I know that I should embrace every opportunity that life gives me. I know that by dealing with the 'bumps in the road' we all grow stronger, but I have to say, I GIVE UP! I surrender. I am done.
This has been hard, harder than I could have imagined. I feel so alone. I could reach out to those that are there, but I just can't make myself. Whether it be because I have to 'appear' strong, or because I just don't like asking for help... whatever the reason, I stand here alone. ALONE.
I want to be with my best friend, I want to be with the man that I love. I want to fall asleep with my back him... I'm not a 'cuddler' but to know that he is there, to feel his foot touching mine... that's all I need. I miss it.
I'm sure that some day I will look back and think 'hey that wasn't too bad, why was I such a baby about the entire situation' and let's face it, in all that can be thrown at us, to live a few months in different time zones, is NOT BAD, but on the other hand... it is TORTURE! I have spent the past 9 years with this man that... to quote an over quoted move, he completes me. He really makes me who I am... so when he is gone... I don't know that I am really me anymore. Which is odd to say, because before he came into my life, my entire plan was to be independent. I did EVERYTHING I could to do it all myself, and I did! I was good at it. I did strive on the fact that I needed no one! If I needed or wanted something, I made it happen.... something happened when I meet Keith. I'm sure I could be independent again... but I don't have to be, I have him... and dang it, I want to need him. I guess that's it.
I want to need him. I want to rely on him to take care of certain things. He has his 'jobs' and I have mine. Sexist or not... that is the way things work for us. I don't want to have to spray the yard for weeds and spiders.... I don't want to get the sprinkler system winterized.... these are his jobs.
A very wise woman at work, mentioned that a married couple becomes one person, and when they are apart, they really are half a person, that a marriage bonds two together to become one. And... I feel she is right, I am not whole.... I am only half a person right now... flailing in the wind, trying to hold on.... and losing the battle. Is it over yet???? I am waving my white flag.... I'm done. Please can I be done.... Why hasn't this house sold yet? Someone buy it, let me go be with the man I love.... please.....
