Two months later....

Well, it's been a crazy ride, but I am here to report, that we all got off safely and have exited to the left. No harm, no fowl. As of 3:00 pm today, the house is sold, and we are done with our residency in Idaho. Watch out Arizona, here we come.

Updates since I last wrote... gosh, I'm not sure where to start. to sum things up, I quit my job, sold the house and moved to Arizona, found a new job, and am now trying to make that work. But I have to say, that, its fucking hard!!!!!! Wow, here I am starting over, AGAIN! why me? (deep breath). I did choose this. This is my doing.

I have started a job, doing Tech support/sales for an Internet registrar. It is a bit challenging, but at the same time... it's a phone job. I talk on the phone to customers.... and if you know me, you know that I want more, hell, I deserve more. I am better than the phone rep job. I can do better. This company seems to care about their workers, and seems to be a great place to work, so I am REALLY hoping it lives up to all the hype, because I would like to move up, quickly. Very quickly. Fingers crossed that I can make that happen... I'm just halfway through the 3rd week on the job, and I am already planning my own advancement... crazy, isn't it!?! But I know that I can do better, and I just have to 'do my time' to show them. After all, I don't have that fucking piece of paper that says I graduated college, to get me in the door, so I have to settle a bit. Maybe someday.... I take that back, it will happen, I will get the fucking degree. Serve the time... I just have to put the time in, it will be mine, eventually (once I get back to taking classes again).

So, this continues to be an annonomous blog, I have told no one, and I am using it as a place to talk, vent, purge. Being in a new town, with no local friends, this may be just what I need. Good night. God Bless!

Not an Island

I know that I should embrace every opportunity that life gives me. I know that by dealing with the 'bumps in the road' we all grow stronger, but I have to say, I GIVE UP! I surrender. I am done.

This has been hard, harder than I could have imagined. I feel so alone. I could reach out to those that are there, but I just can't make myself. Whether it be because I have to 'appear' strong, or because I just don't like asking for help... whatever the reason, I stand here alone. ALONE.

I want to be with my best friend, I want to be with the man that I love. I want to fall asleep with my back him... I'm not a 'cuddler' but to know that he is there, to feel his foot touching mine... that's all I need. I miss it.

I'm sure that some day I will look back and think 'hey that wasn't too bad, why was I such a baby about the entire situation' and let's face it, in all that can be thrown at us, to live a few months in different time zones, is NOT BAD, but on the other hand... it is TORTURE! I have spent the past 9 years with this man that... to quote an over quoted move, he completes me. He really makes me who I am... so when he is gone... I don't know that I am really me anymore. Which is odd to say, because before he came into my life, my entire plan was to be independent. I did EVERYTHING I could to do it all myself, and I did! I was good at it. I did strive on the fact that I needed no one! If I needed or wanted something, I made it happen.... something happened when I meet Keith. I'm sure I could be independent again... but I don't have to be, I have him... and dang it, I want to need him. I guess that's it.

I want to need him. I want to rely on him to take care of certain things. He has his 'jobs' and I have mine. Sexist or not... that is the way things work for us. I don't want to have to spray the yard for weeds and spiders.... I don't want to get the sprinkler system winterized.... these are his jobs.

A very wise woman at work, mentioned that a married couple becomes one person, and when they are apart, they really are half a person, that a marriage bonds two together to become one. And... I feel she is right, I am not whole.... I am only half a person right now... flailing in the wind, trying to hold on.... and losing the battle. Is it over yet???? I am waving my white flag.... I'm done. Please can I be done.... Why hasn't this house sold yet? Someone buy it, let me go be with the man I love.... please.....

Test

Well this is my first attempt at blogging... I guess I am using this as a way to vent, what can I say, life has been absolutely crazy.